I've climbed mountains of struggles. The ability to feel things deeply is both a great gift and a great burden.
Do you think that after all this time, I'll give in and succumb?
I've developed thick skin, still bleeds and hurts when pierced, but it resists.
I've developed an elastic heart that can stretch enormously and recoils enormously. The recoiling hurts, but it's something that I have learnt to do.
It's too late for me to despair at the scary, unpredictable things of life.
I have no other option other than to hope.
Hope that whatever comes my way, I will tackle it well. I'm not alone. I have a backbone, and that is my faith. If I have my backbone and I have my will and I have my weapons then I can do everything.
I dont need a saviour, nor a missing jigsaw piece in my heart. I am complete as I am.
Nothing is missing, I'm equipt to live.
My faith, my willpower, my enthusiasm to live and strive and patience.
I dont need anything or anyone else, if I have these.
I have no time for drama and no time for negative ruminations. Let me live my life.
My life might not be too lengthy. I might die any moment. I need to make sure that anytime I leave, I'll leave a good legacy behind me. Something to help my loved ones continue believing in the goodness of the world....despite how cruel it can be.
I'd like to be remembered with a smile.
Why do I feel like I'm going to die soon?
I dont know, but perhaps it's true.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Friday, September 4, 2015
Mental illness is infectious?
Let me make a confession. It's not a confession, really...its just a notion that I keep thinking of and never had the courage to speak about it openly. I might be developing a mental illness. There's something I feel that isnt quite right inside. I am developing really peculiar thoughts that can get quite disturbing. For example, yesterday I was drawing a series of circles some of them were large and some of them were small and some were medium sized...and as I was doing this I noticed that when I drew the large circles beside the small circles I felt nauseated. I felt disturbed to see these two circles together like that. It got so disturbing that I had to close the notebook and try to think of something else to do. I've also had recurrent dreams in which there was something ordinary in size (like a baby or a piece of grass) suddently turned microscopically small or huge. A baby which was ordinary in dimensions, became small and fitted into a small test tube filled with water.
So I could understand why I was disturbed by the image of small and large circles. When things change in size dramatically, it disturbs me.
I have other certain 'strange beliefs/experiences' that come every now and again....but nothing chronic. It doesnt affect my functioning in any way however, I am completely in tune with my internal mileu and I can't help but feel, that I am a risk of developing something like schizophrenia. There is no family history nor any major risk factors...but this subtle belief that I might get it is there. It's not a fixed firm belief. I could shake it off and not believe it...but somewhere in the crevices of my mind, there's a notion of it.
I could also explain this by the fact that I've been exposed to psychiatric patients for several months now, on a regular basis. Most of them don't affect me, but it is particularly the young schizophrenic patients that strike me. I feel particular devastation for them. A young 15 year old 'possessed' by the devil, seeing him on the walls and hearing him and acting out on 'his' orders. She feels he could stop her heart or harm her at any moment. An 18 year old young man believing that there was a spirit living in this chest cavity and arms. He hears him speaking. The "spirit" could leave him in physical pain for long hours. He'd point at his chest and say "oh dear, he's starting again". The young man looked like he was in true suffering. Malnourished, exhausted, drained.
Childhood schizophrenias have a particularly bad prognosis. These are just two of the young schizophrenics I have met that have deeply struck me. Perhaps struck me enough to make me believe that I, too will get it. I am not sure.
This whole profession is quite scary. Dealing with mentally disturbed patients is freaking terrifying. Not because they are 'crazy people' or because they can get aggressive...that's not the scary part. The terrifying part is you leave the comfort of your own mind and world and venture into the unpredicable, oftentimes dark world of other people. You get close to experiencing their feelings and sufferings and conflicts. You leave your self for a while to enter into theirs. Empathy is a shaking, life-hazing experience.
We live our whole lives creating walls between us and others...maintaining our own mental comfort zone...and despite forming relationships and socializing we still continue to construct such defenses, because if we let people venture and stomp into our mental lives, they'll break things...and vice versa.
Now in psychiatry and counselling it becomes OUR JOB to enter people's lives.
Often the relationship between client and therapist is a highly personal one. Highly close and connected.
That too, is scary.
I believe that this field requires alot of courage. A lot of courage to venture into the unknown lands of others and still be able to identify when to draw the line. When to stop.
So I could understand why I was disturbed by the image of small and large circles. When things change in size dramatically, it disturbs me.
I have other certain 'strange beliefs/experiences' that come every now and again....but nothing chronic. It doesnt affect my functioning in any way however, I am completely in tune with my internal mileu and I can't help but feel, that I am a risk of developing something like schizophrenia. There is no family history nor any major risk factors...but this subtle belief that I might get it is there. It's not a fixed firm belief. I could shake it off and not believe it...but somewhere in the crevices of my mind, there's a notion of it.
I could also explain this by the fact that I've been exposed to psychiatric patients for several months now, on a regular basis. Most of them don't affect me, but it is particularly the young schizophrenic patients that strike me. I feel particular devastation for them. A young 15 year old 'possessed' by the devil, seeing him on the walls and hearing him and acting out on 'his' orders. She feels he could stop her heart or harm her at any moment. An 18 year old young man believing that there was a spirit living in this chest cavity and arms. He hears him speaking. The "spirit" could leave him in physical pain for long hours. He'd point at his chest and say "oh dear, he's starting again". The young man looked like he was in true suffering. Malnourished, exhausted, drained.
Childhood schizophrenias have a particularly bad prognosis. These are just two of the young schizophrenics I have met that have deeply struck me. Perhaps struck me enough to make me believe that I, too will get it. I am not sure.
This whole profession is quite scary. Dealing with mentally disturbed patients is freaking terrifying. Not because they are 'crazy people' or because they can get aggressive...that's not the scary part. The terrifying part is you leave the comfort of your own mind and world and venture into the unpredicable, oftentimes dark world of other people. You get close to experiencing their feelings and sufferings and conflicts. You leave your self for a while to enter into theirs. Empathy is a shaking, life-hazing experience.
We live our whole lives creating walls between us and others...maintaining our own mental comfort zone...and despite forming relationships and socializing we still continue to construct such defenses, because if we let people venture and stomp into our mental lives, they'll break things...and vice versa.
Now in psychiatry and counselling it becomes OUR JOB to enter people's lives.
Often the relationship between client and therapist is a highly personal one. Highly close and connected.
That too, is scary.
I believe that this field requires alot of courage. A lot of courage to venture into the unknown lands of others and still be able to identify when to draw the line. When to stop.
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