This, boys and girls is many hours of trail and error, paying off alhamdulilah. Now enjoy the random deathnote song I uploaded.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
YES! Finally embedded audio into blogger. Unlocked: A whole new level of epicness!
This, boys and girls is many hours of trail and error, paying off alhamdulilah. Now enjoy the random deathnote song I uploaded.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Castle Moats
In my internal medicine rotation, I am the unfortunate holder of the 'coordinator' position. Despite how cumbersome it is, I have learnt something very interesting, all thanks to one particular boy. This colleague of mine, stands out clearly from the rest of the group. He sits in the corner of the room with his cigarette lit up, puffing smoke up in the air. He can't sit in one place for more than 10 mins. Restless and secluded from other people. He doesnt seem to have friends, yet he seems comfortable in his own presence. On external observation, he looks like a cool guy. The kind of guy who'd say "its either my way or the high way".
He stays quiet most of the time, but when he does speak, in that deep voice that seems to be coming out of his abdomen, he always has something aggressive to say. He will either threaten to do something because he objects (things like I'll burn up this whole hospital...that sounds like the solution") or he makes sarcastic remarks. His 'threats' are often just verbal and not any more than that, and oftentimes, ridiculous. He speaks aggressively yet when it actually comes to action, he isnt aggressive at all. In fact, he acts almost gentlemanly. I found it very strange. This guy was getting ego-pumps by being verbally tough and seeing the reactions of others. People would often stare at him, not quite sure if this guy was for real. Some would laugh nervously. Some would raise their eyebrows. And occasionally some would look him right in the eye and say "who the hell do you think you are speaking like that?"
He gets kicks from seeing people like this.
And what he actually is, is a tiny little chicken.
Personally, it would be easier for me to tell him to 'f***ing fix his attitude before I fix it for him"
I am not afraid of people like him because once upon a time, my surroundings were people like that. They were actually friends of mine too, who were like this. And perhaps I can admit, that I, was like this. It is absolutely nothing for me to deal with people like that. But what would it create?
It'd generate more aggression.
It'd fester further negative feelings. And could end in a fight.
To deal with such aggressive people in a similarly aggressive way is totally stupid.
The idea behind dealing with such people is to understand the mind of a bully. I have been privelaged enough to have dealt with alot of bullies and the thing is, to run towards them or to run away from them..both are counterproductive strategies.
The key is to understand some thing and I'll illustrate it by the example of the castle and moat.
Look at these beautiful castles. The UK is known for its grand castles. See how these castles are surrounded by a body of water. Those bodies of waters are known as moats. They were used as method to protect the castle from invasion. A primary warfare defense.
The enemies would have to cross these moats in order to invade or hurt the residents of the castle. By the time the enemies cross, the residents would have spotted the intruders and have slayed them with arrows. It was known that the weaker the residents of the castle, the bigger and deeper the moat. A castle that contained a weak and dainty princess often needed alot of protection for example. So that's the idea behind moats.
The weaker the castle, the deeper and wider the moat.
Same applies for the person. The weaker they are, the deeper and wider their defenses.
If you weren't weak, then why create such a massive deal of protecting your ego? A strong castle doesn't need a big moat because those who reside within it can fend off the intruders.
Bullies are essentially crumbling and vulnerable castles surrounded by massive moats in the form of aggression.
The only way you can get through to such people is to make them feel safe. Not physically safe, but rather make them feel that you will not bruise their friable soul, by hurting them or judging them harshly.
Because that is their biggest fear; that their granulation-tissue-like egos will become scathed and bleed by the cruelty of other people.
I found that firm kindness and non-judgementality of bullies often helps. It is also wise not to reinforce their agressive behaviour. The way we reinforce their behaviour is to react to them. So should they be verbally abusive or vulgar, the best thing is to act as if you hadn't heard a thing, as if what they just said had no significance what so ever. Neither scold them or laugh with them. This indifference will make them crumble just a little bit.
Act indifferent to their outburst, until they calm down...then proceed to talk to them firmly but at the same time with courtesy and allow them to express themselves. And when they do, do not judge. Acceptance is often the secret key to many many tattered hearts and minds.
We all, without exception yearn for acceptance.
We may never come to terms with this. But it is true of all human beings, we would literally die to be accepted.
He stays quiet most of the time, but when he does speak, in that deep voice that seems to be coming out of his abdomen, he always has something aggressive to say. He will either threaten to do something because he objects (things like I'll burn up this whole hospital...that sounds like the solution") or he makes sarcastic remarks. His 'threats' are often just verbal and not any more than that, and oftentimes, ridiculous. He speaks aggressively yet when it actually comes to action, he isnt aggressive at all. In fact, he acts almost gentlemanly. I found it very strange. This guy was getting ego-pumps by being verbally tough and seeing the reactions of others. People would often stare at him, not quite sure if this guy was for real. Some would laugh nervously. Some would raise their eyebrows. And occasionally some would look him right in the eye and say "who the hell do you think you are speaking like that?"
He gets kicks from seeing people like this.
And what he actually is, is a tiny little chicken.
Personally, it would be easier for me to tell him to 'f***ing fix his attitude before I fix it for him"
I am not afraid of people like him because once upon a time, my surroundings were people like that. They were actually friends of mine too, who were like this. And perhaps I can admit, that I, was like this. It is absolutely nothing for me to deal with people like that. But what would it create?
It'd generate more aggression.
It'd fester further negative feelings. And could end in a fight.
To deal with such aggressive people in a similarly aggressive way is totally stupid.
The idea behind dealing with such people is to understand the mind of a bully. I have been privelaged enough to have dealt with alot of bullies and the thing is, to run towards them or to run away from them..both are counterproductive strategies.
The key is to understand some thing and I'll illustrate it by the example of the castle and moat.
The enemies would have to cross these moats in order to invade or hurt the residents of the castle. By the time the enemies cross, the residents would have spotted the intruders and have slayed them with arrows. It was known that the weaker the residents of the castle, the bigger and deeper the moat. A castle that contained a weak and dainty princess often needed alot of protection for example. So that's the idea behind moats.
The weaker the castle, the deeper and wider the moat.
Same applies for the person. The weaker they are, the deeper and wider their defenses.
If you weren't weak, then why create such a massive deal of protecting your ego? A strong castle doesn't need a big moat because those who reside within it can fend off the intruders.
Bullies are essentially crumbling and vulnerable castles surrounded by massive moats in the form of aggression.
The only way you can get through to such people is to make them feel safe. Not physically safe, but rather make them feel that you will not bruise their friable soul, by hurting them or judging them harshly.
Because that is their biggest fear; that their granulation-tissue-like egos will become scathed and bleed by the cruelty of other people.
I found that firm kindness and non-judgementality of bullies often helps. It is also wise not to reinforce their agressive behaviour. The way we reinforce their behaviour is to react to them. So should they be verbally abusive or vulgar, the best thing is to act as if you hadn't heard a thing, as if what they just said had no significance what so ever. Neither scold them or laugh with them. This indifference will make them crumble just a little bit.
Act indifferent to their outburst, until they calm down...then proceed to talk to them firmly but at the same time with courtesy and allow them to express themselves. And when they do, do not judge. Acceptance is often the secret key to many many tattered hearts and minds.
We all, without exception yearn for acceptance.
We may never come to terms with this. But it is true of all human beings, we would literally die to be accepted.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Provoking the Manic
Good afternoon!
Its a quiet Sunday and I've just completed the first week of an online course I'm taking about developmental psychology in children and adolescence. The University of Edinburg have done a fabulous job of presenting its content in a professional, yet very natural way. Some parts of the class are actually filmed in a children's playground, and while Dr Jo speaks about language development, little noisy creatures running from imaginary dinosaurs are around her. It is funny and very interesting!
Mental health is a big deal and understanding it and working with people with ailments in that sphere, is a treasure to society. However, most of my friends who already know of my interest in psychiatry seem to downplay the importance of psychiatry in medicine. Thinking it is something probably para-science or para-medicine. And I have never given up on coming up with arguments to try to prove to them its importance. Yesterday something happened that, without much effort from my side, left a friend of mine (who is particularly pro-clinical and anti-psychiatry) astounded and tachycardic :D
We were sitting in campus and a woman came up to us with a pain of slippers in her hand. A 40-ish looking woman, speaking quickly and with quite an animated face. Initially I thought she was trying to sell me the slippers. So, as I usually do to mobile vendors, I look at them, listen for a few seconds then say "No thanks" and look away.
When I did so, the woman protested "I'm not trying to sell you these slippers! I'm trying to tell you that the people in the toxicological centre are making plots against me, trying to make me buy expensive slippers!!"
She looked offended as she spoke and probably expected me to agree with her.
I immediately picked up that there was something psychologically wrong with this woman...hmmm perhaps delusions of persecution? paranoia?
I asked "aaah so there's people plotting against you? Who else is plotting against you?"
The woman immediately answered and gave me names of people and organizations who are out against her trying to make her life difficult. And she was especially frustrated about this slipper plot she was facing.
Yep. Delusions and Paranoia.
Nice.
Speaking alot, inappropriately animated, irritable, hyperactivity.
This woman was probably in mania right now.
Bipolar with paranoia.
I smiled to myself. Welcome to my world.
I looked over to my friend, to find her staring at me, quite shocked.
"lets get up and go, okey?"
"No way dude, we're staying. I want to prove something to you"
The woman walked away and sat around 2 meters away from us. And as I spoke to my friend, the lady was speaking loudly to herself (hmmm auditory hallucinations?)...and when she caught our eyes, she tried to talk to us too. Mainly she was going over and over about how horrible these people who plotted against her were, and "who do they think they are? Do they think I'm stupid or retarded or what?"
My friend, looked like a threatened kitten, cornered. I could tell from her body language that she was genuinely afraid of this woman and what she could do. I, on the other hand was completely relaxed. Yes, this woman could get aggressive...but it is unlikely that she'd be, unless provoked.
I wanted to sit there and observe what other symptoms this woman would exhibit and more importantly I wanted to demonstrate to my friend, that psychiatric illnesses are a real thing. It's not just crazy, homeless people roaming the streets. It could be in very ordinary looking people and it could (and almost always does) destroy their lives and the lives of those around them.
Psychiatry isn't JUST people who have problems at home and relationships who need to talk. Or people bouncing off the walls and talking to themselves. And psychiatry doesn't involve JUST listening to people cry their hearts out and offering support. It is this massive umbrella of therapy for people who have dysfunction in their ability to operate in their everyday life.
Just like hepatology deals with dysfunctional livers.
Psychiatry deals with dysfunctional psyches.
And for functioning I'm referring to the basic things that we all need to do
1. Fulfilling our basic needs (sleep, eating, biological functions, financial sourcing)
2. Fulfilling social needs (interpersonal) (forming and maintaining relationships, adjusting to societal and cultural norms)
3. Working, learning, striving towards something.
4. Ability to maintain a relatively stable intrapersonal state of being (ie average mood with healthy fluctuations, resilience to difficulty and adaptability)
Some of the reasons for the inability to do the above things may be purely societal (eg poverty and illiteracy preventing one being financially independent) or purely medical (thyrotoxicosis preventing one from sleeping well) or purely psychological reasons (a deep seated fear of social situations and people, leading to inability to go out and work and form relationships).
But often more times than not, the reasons are an overlap of the three.
Psychiatry aims to treat people who are dysfunctional in their lives by excluding medical factors, recognizing and attempting to reduce the social influences (mainly the job of social workers who work closely with psychiatrists and psychologists) and focusing on treating the patient's psychological state. Through adjustment of the neurotransmitter imbalances (which oftentimes do provide visible improvements especially in biplor and schizophrenics) and by providing the patient with cognitive and behavioral techniques to help them manage their dysfunction.
Now lets go back to the story of me and my friend on the campus bench with a bipolar lady nearby.
My friend has already seen that psychologically disturbed people can be weird and unpredictable
I wanted to show her more than that. I wanted to show her that they can also be a threat to themselves and their environments, should they be left unhelped.
I'd like to show her that without psychiatric help, how bad these patients could be and I was hoping that she'd finally admit that the field of psychiatry isn't only real but necessary.
The point isn't that OUR system of psychiatry is totally correct.
The point is, a specialty is needed that can help these people, because simply, no other field can help them.
So how do I go about proving this to her?
Other than provoking the patient to make the scary side show even more?
I know how immoral and terrible it is to do something like this. But, the little challenging side of me arose and said "I dare you. Prove it to her"
The lady came back to stand before us and started to talk again. I asked her the question that most psychotic patients would find very offensive and would immediately start denying. Psychotic patients are disconnected from reality and hence have a very difficult time differentiating between what's in their mind and what is real.
So, I asked her "Ma'aam, are you being treated in our psychiatric clinics?"
And just as I suspected the woman's face changed. An interesting beetroot red colour danced on her cheeks.
She took one step towards us and leaned her face in and said
"What did you just say? psychiatric??"
She gave out a disproportionately loud, ridiculing laugh, raising her head to the sky
"HUH?? PSYCHIATRIC? You think I'm crazy?"
Another laugh.
By then, my friend was fully petrified. I could almost smell the adrenalin she was hyper-secreting.
The woman came so close to our faces. And looked so threatening, I was just waiting for her to grab me by my blouse.
The events that ensued need not be written here, but I'm sure you'll be relieved (or perhaps not) to hear that I was not beaten up by her. Which is kind of disappointing, since I was so keen to show my friend how these people could get physically aggressive. However the way the woman acted was a framed certificate of how a mentally unstable patient could be an adversity to our society.
And in a matter of 10 minutes, one can fully grasp the idea of why we need a solid system for psychiatric help to our people.
Its a quiet Sunday and I've just completed the first week of an online course I'm taking about developmental psychology in children and adolescence. The University of Edinburg have done a fabulous job of presenting its content in a professional, yet very natural way. Some parts of the class are actually filmed in a children's playground, and while Dr Jo speaks about language development, little noisy creatures running from imaginary dinosaurs are around her. It is funny and very interesting!
Mental health is a big deal and understanding it and working with people with ailments in that sphere, is a treasure to society. However, most of my friends who already know of my interest in psychiatry seem to downplay the importance of psychiatry in medicine. Thinking it is something probably para-science or para-medicine. And I have never given up on coming up with arguments to try to prove to them its importance. Yesterday something happened that, without much effort from my side, left a friend of mine (who is particularly pro-clinical and anti-psychiatry) astounded and tachycardic :D
We were sitting in campus and a woman came up to us with a pain of slippers in her hand. A 40-ish looking woman, speaking quickly and with quite an animated face. Initially I thought she was trying to sell me the slippers. So, as I usually do to mobile vendors, I look at them, listen for a few seconds then say "No thanks" and look away.
When I did so, the woman protested "I'm not trying to sell you these slippers! I'm trying to tell you that the people in the toxicological centre are making plots against me, trying to make me buy expensive slippers!!"
She looked offended as she spoke and probably expected me to agree with her.
I immediately picked up that there was something psychologically wrong with this woman...hmmm perhaps delusions of persecution? paranoia?
I asked "aaah so there's people plotting against you? Who else is plotting against you?"
The woman immediately answered and gave me names of people and organizations who are out against her trying to make her life difficult. And she was especially frustrated about this slipper plot she was facing.
Yep. Delusions and Paranoia.
Nice.
Speaking alot, inappropriately animated, irritable, hyperactivity.
This woman was probably in mania right now.
Bipolar with paranoia.
I smiled to myself. Welcome to my world.
I looked over to my friend, to find her staring at me, quite shocked.
"lets get up and go, okey?"
"No way dude, we're staying. I want to prove something to you"
The woman walked away and sat around 2 meters away from us. And as I spoke to my friend, the lady was speaking loudly to herself (hmmm auditory hallucinations?)...and when she caught our eyes, she tried to talk to us too. Mainly she was going over and over about how horrible these people who plotted against her were, and "who do they think they are? Do they think I'm stupid or retarded or what?"
My friend, looked like a threatened kitten, cornered. I could tell from her body language that she was genuinely afraid of this woman and what she could do. I, on the other hand was completely relaxed. Yes, this woman could get aggressive...but it is unlikely that she'd be, unless provoked.
I wanted to sit there and observe what other symptoms this woman would exhibit and more importantly I wanted to demonstrate to my friend, that psychiatric illnesses are a real thing. It's not just crazy, homeless people roaming the streets. It could be in very ordinary looking people and it could (and almost always does) destroy their lives and the lives of those around them.
Psychiatry isn't JUST people who have problems at home and relationships who need to talk. Or people bouncing off the walls and talking to themselves. And psychiatry doesn't involve JUST listening to people cry their hearts out and offering support. It is this massive umbrella of therapy for people who have dysfunction in their ability to operate in their everyday life.
Just like hepatology deals with dysfunctional livers.
Psychiatry deals with dysfunctional psyches.
And for functioning I'm referring to the basic things that we all need to do
1. Fulfilling our basic needs (sleep, eating, biological functions, financial sourcing)
2. Fulfilling social needs (interpersonal) (forming and maintaining relationships, adjusting to societal and cultural norms)
3. Working, learning, striving towards something.
4. Ability to maintain a relatively stable intrapersonal state of being (ie average mood with healthy fluctuations, resilience to difficulty and adaptability)
Some of the reasons for the inability to do the above things may be purely societal (eg poverty and illiteracy preventing one being financially independent) or purely medical (thyrotoxicosis preventing one from sleeping well) or purely psychological reasons (a deep seated fear of social situations and people, leading to inability to go out and work and form relationships).
But often more times than not, the reasons are an overlap of the three.
Psychiatry aims to treat people who are dysfunctional in their lives by excluding medical factors, recognizing and attempting to reduce the social influences (mainly the job of social workers who work closely with psychiatrists and psychologists) and focusing on treating the patient's psychological state. Through adjustment of the neurotransmitter imbalances (which oftentimes do provide visible improvements especially in biplor and schizophrenics) and by providing the patient with cognitive and behavioral techniques to help them manage their dysfunction.
Now lets go back to the story of me and my friend on the campus bench with a bipolar lady nearby.
My friend has already seen that psychologically disturbed people can be weird and unpredictable
I wanted to show her more than that. I wanted to show her that they can also be a threat to themselves and their environments, should they be left unhelped.
I'd like to show her that without psychiatric help, how bad these patients could be and I was hoping that she'd finally admit that the field of psychiatry isn't only real but necessary.
The point isn't that OUR system of psychiatry is totally correct.
The point is, a specialty is needed that can help these people, because simply, no other field can help them.
So how do I go about proving this to her?
Other than provoking the patient to make the scary side show even more?
I know how immoral and terrible it is to do something like this. But, the little challenging side of me arose and said "I dare you. Prove it to her"
The lady came back to stand before us and started to talk again. I asked her the question that most psychotic patients would find very offensive and would immediately start denying. Psychotic patients are disconnected from reality and hence have a very difficult time differentiating between what's in their mind and what is real.
So, I asked her "Ma'aam, are you being treated in our psychiatric clinics?"
And just as I suspected the woman's face changed. An interesting beetroot red colour danced on her cheeks.
She took one step towards us and leaned her face in and said
"What did you just say? psychiatric??"
She gave out a disproportionately loud, ridiculing laugh, raising her head to the sky
"HUH?? PSYCHIATRIC? You think I'm crazy?"
Another laugh.
By then, my friend was fully petrified. I could almost smell the adrenalin she was hyper-secreting.
The woman came so close to our faces. And looked so threatening, I was just waiting for her to grab me by my blouse.
The events that ensued need not be written here, but I'm sure you'll be relieved (or perhaps not) to hear that I was not beaten up by her. Which is kind of disappointing, since I was so keen to show my friend how these people could get physically aggressive. However the way the woman acted was a framed certificate of how a mentally unstable patient could be an adversity to our society.
And in a matter of 10 minutes, one can fully grasp the idea of why we need a solid system for psychiatric help to our people.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
A squirrel called life.
Oh I am overjoyed.
Absolutely over the moon and elated at one small little thing that happened to me today in the ICU.
I dont know why but I have this certain fate with ICUs, I experience truely shaking experiences in there that teach me about life and everything else.
I was taking the blood pressure and other vital signs of the patients in the ICU (They're connected to monitors, dont get me wrong...however, the monitors seem to have an opinion of their own, giving astronomically inaccurate results for some reason). One of the patients I was attaching the cuff to, was called Siham. A plump, motherly looking woman, on a mechanical ventillator. After reading her clinical progress notes I found that she has HCV and liver cirrhosis and came presenting with disturbed conscious level. Hepatic encephalopathy?
The measures for treatment of encephalopathy were carried out (Rectal enema, lactulose, rifaximin etc), made no response. They carried out a brain CT which revealed thalamic infarction. So this lovely comatosed lady was candidate for stroke rehabilitation. She aspirated and developed an unpleasant pneumonia (as if there's a pleasant kind of pneumonia anyways! lol) and frankly, her condition looked pretty bad.
She looked pretty much dead. But it's my job to take her vital signs nevertheless.
While lifting her arm to attach the cuff, I found that she, herself lifted her arm to assist me. I looked at her face. Is she aware? Or was that a reflex movement. I continued with inflating the cuff with a finger on the radial pulse (I like to do palpatory method to get the rough systolic before auscultating), then deflated slowely, listening carefully to the brachial artery for korotkoff sounds. A blood pressure of 160/90. Ok. Took note and started detaching the cuff. She, again lifted her arm as if to assist me in removing the cuff.
I had to test this out. Is this lady conscious? She was known to have GCS of around 5 or something. I looked at her face again...she had her eyes closed, nasogastric tube hanging out of her nose, an oropharyngeal tube attached to a ventillator and a series of tubes and other weird looking thinsg I didnt recognise coming out of her face. How could a conscious person tolerate all this. Surely this is a reflex movement.
I whispered "Madame Siham...can you hear me?....if you can hear me, open your eyes"
Pause.
Who are you kidding, open her eyes eh bas?
To my utterly horrified pleasant surprise, she opened her eyes to look at me.
HUH?
"Madam Siham...could you blink once for yes and twice for no? I'll ask you a question...are you feeling cold right now?"
She blinked twice.
WHOAAA DUDE! She's alive! And she can hear me and she can understand AND she can respond.
DESPITE all that mess she's in.
WOW.
I was overjoyed. I was so happy to see this I nearly bent down to kiss her.
Life.
Oh how precious life is. She has that life spark still inside her. She wasnt gone yet. She was actually alive.
I have never ever felt the preciousness of life up until this moment.
I felt that having 'life' or the spirit of being alive is like a shy squirrel hiding within the crevices of this lady, and I had called it out..and it responded to me.
I have just seen the rare glimmer of life within a seemingly dead body.
What an honour and a precious thing.
I was pleased for her.
I was also sad for her, she was awake and she experienced all this? She can feel the tubes in her and the uncomfortable position and the noise and the pain and every horrible thing and still not be able to do say or do anything about it?
Painful.
Oh how resilient and beautiful you are.
I was struck with a strange ray of love and respect for this woman.
It was a strange time for me. I was so intently focused on this goosebump moment that I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. It was like time had stopped and the whole universe was silent. It was just me and this woman and the little squirrel within her, which I called life.
Weird triad, but nevertheless...it makes my heart melt just remembering her eyes as they opened.
Alhamdulilah
Alhamdulilah
Perhaps this woman's little squirrel will run off and she'll be lifeless and dead soon enough. This is all of our fates...but that's not the point. In the moment, in that brief sacred moment I felt the true preciousness of having life.
Alhamdulilah
Absolutely over the moon and elated at one small little thing that happened to me today in the ICU.
I dont know why but I have this certain fate with ICUs, I experience truely shaking experiences in there that teach me about life and everything else.
I was taking the blood pressure and other vital signs of the patients in the ICU (They're connected to monitors, dont get me wrong...however, the monitors seem to have an opinion of their own, giving astronomically inaccurate results for some reason). One of the patients I was attaching the cuff to, was called Siham. A plump, motherly looking woman, on a mechanical ventillator. After reading her clinical progress notes I found that she has HCV and liver cirrhosis and came presenting with disturbed conscious level. Hepatic encephalopathy?
The measures for treatment of encephalopathy were carried out (Rectal enema, lactulose, rifaximin etc), made no response. They carried out a brain CT which revealed thalamic infarction. So this lovely comatosed lady was candidate for stroke rehabilitation. She aspirated and developed an unpleasant pneumonia (as if there's a pleasant kind of pneumonia anyways! lol) and frankly, her condition looked pretty bad.
She looked pretty much dead. But it's my job to take her vital signs nevertheless.
While lifting her arm to attach the cuff, I found that she, herself lifted her arm to assist me. I looked at her face. Is she aware? Or was that a reflex movement. I continued with inflating the cuff with a finger on the radial pulse (I like to do palpatory method to get the rough systolic before auscultating), then deflated slowely, listening carefully to the brachial artery for korotkoff sounds. A blood pressure of 160/90. Ok. Took note and started detaching the cuff. She, again lifted her arm as if to assist me in removing the cuff.
I had to test this out. Is this lady conscious? She was known to have GCS of around 5 or something. I looked at her face again...she had her eyes closed, nasogastric tube hanging out of her nose, an oropharyngeal tube attached to a ventillator and a series of tubes and other weird looking thinsg I didnt recognise coming out of her face. How could a conscious person tolerate all this. Surely this is a reflex movement.
I whispered "Madame Siham...can you hear me?....if you can hear me, open your eyes"
Pause.
Who are you kidding, open her eyes eh bas?
To my utterly horrified pleasant surprise, she opened her eyes to look at me.
HUH?
"Madam Siham...could you blink once for yes and twice for no? I'll ask you a question...are you feeling cold right now?"
She blinked twice.
WHOAAA DUDE! She's alive! And she can hear me and she can understand AND she can respond.
DESPITE all that mess she's in.
WOW.
I was overjoyed. I was so happy to see this I nearly bent down to kiss her.
Life.
Oh how precious life is. She has that life spark still inside her. She wasnt gone yet. She was actually alive.
I have never ever felt the preciousness of life up until this moment.
I felt that having 'life' or the spirit of being alive is like a shy squirrel hiding within the crevices of this lady, and I had called it out..and it responded to me.
I have just seen the rare glimmer of life within a seemingly dead body.
What an honour and a precious thing.
I was pleased for her.
I was also sad for her, she was awake and she experienced all this? She can feel the tubes in her and the uncomfortable position and the noise and the pain and every horrible thing and still not be able to do say or do anything about it?
Painful.
Oh how resilient and beautiful you are.
I was struck with a strange ray of love and respect for this woman.
It was a strange time for me. I was so intently focused on this goosebump moment that I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. It was like time had stopped and the whole universe was silent. It was just me and this woman and the little squirrel within her, which I called life.
Weird triad, but nevertheless...it makes my heart melt just remembering her eyes as they opened.
Alhamdulilah
Alhamdulilah
Perhaps this woman's little squirrel will run off and she'll be lifeless and dead soon enough. This is all of our fates...but that's not the point. In the moment, in that brief sacred moment I felt the true preciousness of having life.
Alhamdulilah
Thursday, July 23, 2015
On Twigs and Love
In the city of Salzburg, the locals like to pick up a small twig and throw it into the shaft of an abandoned salt mine. Two or three months later they return and extract the twig. Which emerges utterly transformed – covered in sparkling crystals; it looks amazing. It doesn’t matter what kind of twig you use, the result is always the same. The twig has been crystallised. Of course we know how this happens: the moist air of the mine is filled with tiny salt particles which attach themselves to whatever is left in there long enough.
The French writer, Stendhal thinks that a related kind of crystallization occurs when we fall in love. Someone who is fairly nice comes along and gets suspended – as it were – in the moist, salty atmosphere of our imaginations. We encrust this person with all our hopes, our longings and ideals. They are transformed by our imaginations from the perfectly decent human being which they are into something astonishing – the best person who has ever lived, the answer to all our problems. This is the process of falling in love.
If we get together with this person, the rough and tumble of life tends to reverse the process. Gradually we get to see the other person as they really are, not as our fantasies have made them. The magic wears off. We toss them aside. And then along comes another interesting twig…
This was an excerpt from "On falling for the wrong person" in the Books as therapy website (http://www.booksastherapy.com/), that I frequently like to read. The idea is exemplified perfectly by the twig and its crystallization process. I think the key idea here isn't that we shouldn't love other people, but rather for us to understand that in early stages of a budding relationship, one has a tendency to- a word I think I made up- glitterize the object of their affections. To basically sprinkle them with mental glitter. Making things very pretty and ideal, in an unrealistic way.
I'd like to add that the twig, the uncrusted, uncrystallized twig is just as beautiful. In fact I feel that when you finally get to see another person for who they really are, with all the rawness and scratches and vulnerabilities, as beautiful or ugly as it may be...and they trust you enough to let you see those...and you are able to trust them enough to see you figuratively (and I'm stressing on the word figuratively lol) naked...that is, in my opinion the most intimate and sacred experience one can have with another person.
What does it matter if you are in love with a superman?
Everybody can love superman
What counts is how you can see past all the defenses and masks and embrace a human for what they truely are.
Perhaps, that is love.
The French writer, Stendhal thinks that a related kind of crystallization occurs when we fall in love. Someone who is fairly nice comes along and gets suspended – as it were – in the moist, salty atmosphere of our imaginations. We encrust this person with all our hopes, our longings and ideals. They are transformed by our imaginations from the perfectly decent human being which they are into something astonishing – the best person who has ever lived, the answer to all our problems. This is the process of falling in love.
If we get together with this person, the rough and tumble of life tends to reverse the process. Gradually we get to see the other person as they really are, not as our fantasies have made them. The magic wears off. We toss them aside. And then along comes another interesting twig…
This was an excerpt from "On falling for the wrong person" in the Books as therapy website (http://www.booksastherapy.com/), that I frequently like to read. The idea is exemplified perfectly by the twig and its crystallization process. I think the key idea here isn't that we shouldn't love other people, but rather for us to understand that in early stages of a budding relationship, one has a tendency to- a word I think I made up- glitterize the object of their affections. To basically sprinkle them with mental glitter. Making things very pretty and ideal, in an unrealistic way.
I'd like to add that the twig, the uncrusted, uncrystallized twig is just as beautiful. In fact I feel that when you finally get to see another person for who they really are, with all the rawness and scratches and vulnerabilities, as beautiful or ugly as it may be...and they trust you enough to let you see those...and you are able to trust them enough to see you figuratively (and I'm stressing on the word figuratively lol) naked...that is, in my opinion the most intimate and sacred experience one can have with another person.
What does it matter if you are in love with a superman?
Everybody can love superman
What counts is how you can see past all the defenses and masks and embrace a human for what they truely are.
Perhaps, that is love.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Religious Cut and Paste
What do you think of this picture?
Initially reading this verse and looking at this picture your heart could melt a little bit thinking
"awww, that is beautiful..what it means is that there are somethings we consider to be minor but to God it is a big thing...like being kind to homeless people, or smiling in the faces of our brothers/sisters...like we shouldnt underestimate the gravity of the things we do"
Cute.
And the comments on this photo were all like "subhanAllah!" "mashallah!" "Allaaaaah how beautiful"
Stuff of the sort.
While I scrolled past this picture, I realized that this wasnt even a verse, it was HALF a verse; ie someone had gotten a verse from Surat Al Noor, verse 15 to be precise cut out the first part of it and just left the second part of it. This way, the aya could be completely misinterpreted first because it is not complete, and second because it is completely out of context. Where is the context in which this verse was written?
No context at all.
This is the complete aya:
Here is the translation from Sahih International
"When you received it with your tongues and said with your mouths that of which you had no knowledge and thought it was insignificant while it was, in the sight of Allah , tremendous."
I particularly liked Sheikh Abdullah Yusuf's interpretation
"There are three things here reprobated by way of spiritual teaching: (1) if
others speak an evil word, that is no reason why you should allow it to defile your
tongue; (2) if you get a thought or suspicion which is not based on your certain
knowledge, do not give it currency by giving it expression (ie dont talk of it) ; and (3) others may think it is a small matter to speak lightly of something which blasts a person's character or reputation: in the eyes of Allah it is a most serious matter in any case, (but specially when it involves the honour and reputation of pious women.)
Intruiging. Allah's verse aimed to teach us something else entirely. It teaches us something quite profound and beautiful and I am glad I did take the time to read up about the verse instead of just 'liking' the picture and commenting with that cliche religious rejoicing tone.
1. Just because others speak badly, doesnt mean you should too.
2. Dont talk about that you are not certain/doubtful about
3. Dont speak badly of others, especially if it hurts their reputation/honour...this is a big deal.
There are a certain group of humans who try to defile other peoples' religions by looking for 'weak points' in the deen. Famously, the verse talking about killing the enemies of Islam and not allowing a single one to live is used to indicate the sheer barbaric-ness of the religion. It is snatched out of the context and placed in a certain way that it'd look like it is supporting their point of views.
Most logical Muslims would say, this verse is out of context! you people are just trying to prove your fake opinions by using childish cut and paste.
That may be true.
But, we as Muslims ALSO do the same thing. We take verses and religious scripts and cut them out of context in order to feed or to prove something we want to believe.
Why am I making this point clear?
I am stating that when people want to justify something they believe in, they will look for all sources to support them. Even if these ways are completely wrong. Even if it means cutting and pasting religious text out of context.
It is human nature to mess up like that.
HOWEVER, by being aware of this phenomenon, we can be on the look out when we find ourselves justifying...to stop before we go too far. And also, when others do it, for us to be aware and try to prevent it from progressing.
On challenging Nietzsche
Good afternoon!
Today I was talking to a friend who, in her opinion, faces nothing but strife in her life. She expresses avidly that her life is a series of unfortunate, unjust and meaningless suffering. I sit there nodding and "hmmm-ing" until she finally stops talking to ask me "So, what do you think?"
At this point, I've learnt that when people are in the "I'm suffering" mode, it is best not to judge or think about what they say. Rather, absorb them and try to reflect back something of meaning, through asking them introspective questions. They ask and answer themselves. I have found it to be an effective technique.
So I proceeded to asking her questions about what the possible interpretations of all this could be.
And while I was listening I realized that Nietzsche's quote of "What does not kill me, makes me stronger" is quite imprecise and incomplete.
Lets break it down.
What does not kill me (aka any situation that is severe and harsh yet not fatal eg a failure, a personal defeat, a terrible traumatic experience, sudden and unexplained loss, severe morbidity)
Makes me stronger (ie. gives me immunity and strength to face further challenges)
I think that it should be rephrased. "What does not kill me, COULD make me stronger. But it could also make me bitter. Depending on how I choose to interpret it"
Everything is meaningless unless we put a meaning to it ourselves.
A death of a limb, leading to an amputation could make you stronger, because you've faced such a horrific loss of a much needed bundle of tissue, so clearly if you could tolerate this, you could tolerate more.
But it could also make you a bitter person. A person who feels inherent injustice and decides that this is not fair and I hate this world, it is so unfair. Why my limb? This world sucks, man. I never even asked to be born..and the downward spiral of world-hating ensues.
Suffering could lead to strength, but just as much, it can lead to bitterness. It's all about the interpretation.
Which leads us to another Nietzsche saying; "There are no facts, only interpretations"
The same way as there is nothing that is truly good..or truly bad. Everything is inherently neutral. We are the ones who put labels to it.
This is somewhat of a liberating concept. Imagine this, you can re-label everything you've ever experienced. A previously terrible accident, could be perceived as a blessing from the heavens, if you just decide to think of it so.
Today I was talking to a friend who, in her opinion, faces nothing but strife in her life. She expresses avidly that her life is a series of unfortunate, unjust and meaningless suffering. I sit there nodding and "hmmm-ing" until she finally stops talking to ask me "So, what do you think?"
At this point, I've learnt that when people are in the "I'm suffering" mode, it is best not to judge or think about what they say. Rather, absorb them and try to reflect back something of meaning, through asking them introspective questions. They ask and answer themselves. I have found it to be an effective technique.
So I proceeded to asking her questions about what the possible interpretations of all this could be.
And while I was listening I realized that Nietzsche's quote of "What does not kill me, makes me stronger" is quite imprecise and incomplete.
Lets break it down.
What does not kill me (aka any situation that is severe and harsh yet not fatal eg a failure, a personal defeat, a terrible traumatic experience, sudden and unexplained loss, severe morbidity)
Makes me stronger (ie. gives me immunity and strength to face further challenges)
I think that it should be rephrased. "What does not kill me, COULD make me stronger. But it could also make me bitter. Depending on how I choose to interpret it"
Everything is meaningless unless we put a meaning to it ourselves.
A death of a limb, leading to an amputation could make you stronger, because you've faced such a horrific loss of a much needed bundle of tissue, so clearly if you could tolerate this, you could tolerate more.
But it could also make you a bitter person. A person who feels inherent injustice and decides that this is not fair and I hate this world, it is so unfair. Why my limb? This world sucks, man. I never even asked to be born..and the downward spiral of world-hating ensues.
Suffering could lead to strength, but just as much, it can lead to bitterness. It's all about the interpretation.
Which leads us to another Nietzsche saying; "There are no facts, only interpretations"
The same way as there is nothing that is truly good..or truly bad. Everything is inherently neutral. We are the ones who put labels to it.
This is somewhat of a liberating concept. Imagine this, you can re-label everything you've ever experienced. A previously terrible accident, could be perceived as a blessing from the heavens, if you just decide to think of it so.
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